Lory's Place Newsletter | Corewell Health

Spring, a time to reflect!

April 20, 2023

Spring has fragile beginnings; a tiny shoot of green that emerges from the cold earth, a hint of pastel against the brownish grass, a bud that awakens with the morning sun. Each day brings sounds that were not there before. The breeze carries warmth that invites us to venture outside ourselves. Hope emerges for the beginning of a new season; change is in the air. There begins to be a growing radiance.

The natural unfolding of each season mingles with our grief process, gently reminding us that the cycle of life continues. The songs of the birds invite us to join them in celebration of new life. Optimism for a better day may awaken us one morning. We may make a decision to value what we still have, not only what is gone. We will know when we have made that decision. Something buds; something opens. The harshness of winter is softened with new life and new growth.

The springtime of grief arrives with no dramatic entrance, no flashing lights. The stillness of beauty unfolds and captures our attention. It is happening around us, but it is also happening in us. — From Bereavement Magazine March/April 2002.

Spring can be a time of reflection. It’s a time to look ahead to what is most important in our lives as we reflect on where we have been. When we experience the death of someone we love, our lives are changed forever. We are no longer the same person; we have been through so much. You may find you now have a different perspective about life and the things that are most important to you. Take a moment to pause and reflect on your grief journey.

Here are a few questions to consider:

What does my grief look like today, right now, in this moment?
When I think back over the past week or month, how would I describe my grief?
Who is supporting me?
What am I finding comfort in?
How has my perspective changed?
What have I learned about myself?

Grief can be overwhelming and unpredictable. It takes courage to allow ourselves to experience and sit with our grief. It’s okay to feel all the things you are feeling. As you reflect on your grief journey, you may be able to recognize the progress you have made thus far. Grief is a challenging process; finding hope and experiencing healing is possible.

If you are grieving a death and think a support group might be for you, please contact us at 269.983.2707. We’re always here and available to listen. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for online support and inspiration.

Wishing you moments of peace, comfort, and joy,

The Lory’s Place Team

Removing the mask

How to cope with grief on Valentine's Day

Feb 06, 2023

"Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” — Jamie Anderson

This quote really hits home, especially when you are grieving. February is full of love reminders. Whether you’re into Valentine’s Day or not, it is another holiday we must navigate through on the grief journey. As is true with all holidays, make a plan that feels right to you. And doing nothing is a plan.

In an article by Verywell Health, they speak to the idea of “coping ugly.” They share that “coping does not necessarily need to be a thing of beauty—it just needs to get the job done. Do whatever you need to do during the holiday to cope.”

Consider surrounding yourself with love in whatever ways bring you joy, comfort and peace. That plan can include other people or treat yourself to some much-deserved alone time.

Enjoy an evening out at your favorite restaurant with your favorite people (those that let you talk if you want to and won’t worry if you don’t)
Make your favorite meal or order it in
Create a spa day for yourself at the local spa or at home
Reach out to someone else who may need a friend
Express your feelings through journaling, art or music
Go to the movies or stream a favorite movie
Reach out for support through friends, family, a counselor, or grief group
Rest…. Grieving the death of someone is exhausting

Remember to take things moment by moment. If you make a plan and need to change it, that’s okay too. It’s your life, your journey and your decision.

If you are grieving a death and think a support group might be for you, please contact us at 269.983.2707. We’re always here and available to listen. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for online support and inspiration.

Wishing you moments of peace, comfort, and joy,

The Lory’s Place Team

Dealing with grief in the new year

Holidays and grief

Dec 13, 2022

Grieving is a painful and difficult process no matter what time of year it is. However, as the holidays approach it can become even more difficult.

There is something about holiday traditions that can trigger intense feelings of grief when you notice your loved one is not there, sometimes even years after their death. And that's okay.

Grief isn’t always easy to manage. Maybe you have found yourself changing some of those traditions. Or you've stopped doing certain things all together. Surround yourself with understanding, supportive friends or family members. You may also decide to spend the day alone. There is no one “right way” to grieve.

Here are a few thoughts and ideas that may help you this holiday season.

Don’t feel guilty if you have moments of joy or laughter!

Sometimes the hardest parts about grieving are those unexpected moments of guilt when you find yourself enjoying a moment or having a good laugh! Watching family open a gift or watching your favorite holiday movie can bring on happiness and that’s ok! It doesn’t mean that you miss your person any less.

Implement new traditions

Some people have set aside a few minutes for each person gathered to speak about the person who died or to light a candle in their honor. It’s also a nice idea to create a memorial item or decoration.

Remember to take care of yourself

The holiday season can be a very busy time of year, and your schedule is most likely to be disrupted with cooking, baking, gathering all your supplies, and wrapping gifts. Taking care of yourself and your emotional needs can fall by the wayside. You may find the holidays to be physically and emotionally exhausting. Maybe a nice hot bath, or some hot spiced apple cider could be a way for you to relax and have some time to yourself.

Remember, give yourself the space you need as you navigate this holiday season. Set limits on gatherings with family and friends, give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel, take breaks, take extra care of yourself, and seek out the support you need.

If you are grieving a death and think a support group might be for you, please contact us at 269.983.2707. We’re always here and available to listen. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for online support and inspiration, and you can always find us at lorysplace.org. Don't forget to subscribe to receive content monthly.

Wishing you moments of peace, comfort, and joy,

The Lory’s Place Team

Grief at Thanksgiving: gratitude with a grain of salt

Nov 14, 2022

Many of the values, traditions, and messages associated with Thanksgiving like warmth, comfort, gratitude, and family togetherness can be in direct conflict with a grieving person’s actual reality.

After the death of a loved one, it’s typical for grieving people to feel apathy towards some of the experiences that used to bring them joy. This is not a deliberate choice anyone makes. Grief just changes the way life looks and feels.

Many of you experiencing the heavy thoughts and distressing emotions of grief may be thinking about scrapping Thanksgiving all together. Maybe you’re dreading grief triggers. Maybe your loved one was so central to the day that you don’t know how to carry it off without them, or maybe you’re just feeling anything but grateful.

If it’s an absent sense of gratitude that’s making you feel cut-off from Thanksgiving, I want to offer a thought. Just as the holidays aren’t only for happy people, neither is gratitude. You don’t have to choose between grief or feeling grateful.

It is common, as we are grieving, to experience conflicting emotions. It can be tough to feel isolated, left out, disconnected, and misunderstood, especially during the holidays. It’s okay to acknowledge the good feelings as well as the sad, painful feelings.

Remember, it’s okay to feel not grateful

It’s okay to acknowledge this emotion and to recognize your grief, apathy, and sadness. You don’t need to stuff your feelings inside for the benefit of others. You are not responsible for any other adult’s happiness. Of course, there will be times you feel you have to put on a front, like at work or child-related celebrations, and that’s okay. But the bottom line is, it’s okay to acknowledge the fact that you’re feeling anything but grateful.

Finding balance in gratitude

Finding gratitude may feel like a stretch and that is okay. As we acknowledged, finding something to be grateful for doesn’t minimize or erase the difficult thoughts, memories, and emotions you are experiencing. It may simply help to balance your outlook a little. Balancing your outlook is important. Even though, Thanksgiving will feel different this year, actively seeking gratitude can be an empowering way to reclaim a part of the holiday for yourself. Find yourself a notebook and list one thing. It can be a small thing, such as a hot cup of coffee, a happy memory, your dog, your cat, etc.

Remember to give yourself the space you need as you navigate this holiday season. Set limits on gatherings with family and friends. Give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel. Take breaks, take extra care of yourself, and seek out the support you need.

If you are grieving a death and think a support group might be for you, please contact us at 269.983.2707. We’re always here and available to listen. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for online support and inspiration.

Wishing you moments of peace, comfort, and joy,

The Lory’s Place Team

A good support system

What is self-care?

Sep 21, 2022

“Do not try to fight a lion if you are not one yourself.”- African Proverb

Perimeter Healthcare defines self-care as a general term that describes everything you do deliberately for your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Self-care encourages you to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself so that you can transmit the good feelings to others. You cannot give to others what you don't have yourself. While some may misconstrue self-care as selfish, it's far from that.

Self-care is something one often forgets about when dealing with life. The day-to-day hustle and bustle often gets in the way. Whether you work full-time, part-time, or are even retired, there always seems like that there is always work that needs to get done. When do we sit down? When do we cook a homemade meal? When do we take time to grieve? In our daily lives, we recognize that death does not seem to take a break, yet it is also something that takes away all our energy.

Taking care of your grief is exercising self-care. As grief comes in many ways, so does self-care. Not to mention, if you don’t take care of yourself, how can you care for others?

Here are some examples of good tools to help you with both self-care and grief:

Eat a healthy well-balanced meal
Exercise
Drink plenty of water
Go for a walk
Get adequate sleep (for adults 6-8hours)
Sit in the sunlight
Take a bath or shower/good hygiene in general.
Be part of a group that supports you

Here are some active ways to care for yourself and your grief:

Ask for help and accept it when it is offered
Maintain a trusted circle of friends and/or community
Plan something to look forward to (keep it simple if appropriate)
Create new traditions around the holidays
Journal (no professional writing experience necessary)
Set boundaries and learn to say no as to not overcommit
Re-calibrate your priorities if needed
Learn to disconnect (the world will be here when you return)
Practice positive self-talk
Re-engage or deepen your spiritual practices

It’s ok to take care of you first, and taking time to grieve in a healthy way is important.

If you are grieving a death and think a support group might be for you, please contact us at 269.983.2707. We’re always here and available to listen.

Re-creation

Aug 19, 2022

“The body heals with play, the mind heals with laughter, and the spirit heals with joy.” ~ Proverb

The dictionary defines recreation as “an activity done for enjoyment when one is not working”, but when you read a little further it has a second definition: “the action or process of creating something again” (www.bing.com). Consider that perhaps these definitions are linked – when you take time off work and engage in activities for enjoyment, you likely will experience a sensation of newness.

When’s the last time you felt new? When someone close to us dies, everything suffers – our body, mind, and spirit. Mourning someone’s death is necessary; if you don’t choose to mourn in a healthy way, chances are your body will figure out how to do it in an unhealthy way.

Healthy mourning looks different for different people. Some people may want to be alone, while others need support. Mourning is when you express your grief and get it out. Some positive examples are talking about the person, writing in a journal, or creating a memorial tribute to a cause they believed in.

Unhealthy mourning, on the other hand, can be a little harder to recognize. Our friends at What’s Your Grief describe it as negative coping:

“Negative coping encompasses any type of behavior employed as a quick fix to regularly avoid painful emotions or situations. These are temporary distractions that reduce emotional pain in the short-term, but provide very little in the way of actual healing.
Negative coping is like emotional aspirin. It numbs the pain temporarily, but the pain reappears once it wears off. Often these patterns of behavior end up making your stress worse because they are unhealthy and require a lot of effort to maintain. Moreover, they prevent you from effectively processing your emotions and experiences, which can lead to a prolonged sense of anxiety and emotional pain.” (to learn more go to Grief and Negative Coping whatsyourgrief.com)

So if you are actively engaging in healthy mourning, whatever it may be, we here at Lory’s Place highly suggest you take time to re-create yourself. Get together with your friends for a round of golf or a game of pickle ball. Go see a comedian in concert. Take time to celebrate with family and friends. Whatever you choose, please do not feel guilty for experiencing joy – it is a necessary component of life.

Honoring your person

June 22, 2022

“When I am afraid that I will forget something of my loved one--a word, a moment, a look, a habit, a gesture--I will record it. In this way, I will build a living treasure that will provide comfort to me and to others in the days and years ahead.” - A Time to Grieve, Carol Staudacher.

Due to the pandemic, we had been unable to hold the Lory’s Place Run Walk Rock 5k fundraiser since 2019. All that changed on Saturday, June 21, 2022, It felt great to host the event outdoors with our community, People were energized, excited and ready to connect for Lory’s Place. Seeing familiar faces and meeting new friends elevated the level of excitement. People were ready to get out, get moving and push themselves. Everyone, who participated, were doing so for various reasons. Many were participating because they love the services that Lory’s Place provides to the community. Others because they love the thrill of competing. And others were competing for health reasons.

When Linda crossed the finish line she collapsed, weeping. When asked if she was okay, she said yes. She shared that this was her first 5k race and that she was running for a couple of very important reasons. She and her husband had always talked about running a 5k together, as well as take salsa lessons. She wanted them to spend this time together and get healthy. They assumed they would have time, but he died unexpectedly, leaving their plans unfulfilled. Her kids are also very active and involved in sports. She pushes them to work hard, stay committed and take care of their health, but realized she wasn’t following her own advice. It was time she practiced what she preached, while fulfilling the promise she made to her husband after his death. “I did it for my husband, I did it for my kids and I did it for myself. When I crossed the finish line, I realized I not only finished, but I beat the goal I had for myself. I know he was watching over me every step of the way.”

Each person on their grief journey will find a way to honor their person in a way that is meaningful and unique to them. One participant honored his wife by buying the hearing aids his wife had wanted him to have for years. Another honored her mother by spreading her ashes at all her favorite places. Most of our participants will tell you, don’t wait, those you love could be gone tomorrow.

If you are grieving a death and think a support group might be for you, please contact us at 269.983.2707. We’re always here and available to listen

One minute of courage

May 16, 2022

One minute of courage is all it takes, one minute.

One minute to do what I need to do. One minute to cry. One minute to feel. One minute to talk. One minute to listen. One minute to be alone. One minute to be with others. One minute to think. One minute to listen to my heart.

One minute… And then, one minute more ~Jim Waldsmith

Waiting for the waves of grief to pass can feel like an eternity. We are often impatient with ourselves because we aren’t grieving fast enough, we aren’t “over it” yet. Often, that is also our perception of what society expects, which just adds to the pressure. The reality is, no one wants to feel relief from the pain more than those that experienced the loss, those intimately connected. No amount of pressure from yourself or anyone else will bring relief.

How long will my grief last? How long will I feel this way?

These are questions often asked of grief professionals, whether grief is fresh and new, or someone has successfully placed their grief on a shelf and realized it simply isn’t going away.

Time itself does not heal grief, it is what you do within that time that helps people move from a place of intense pain to healing. Rebuilding life without that person takes time, energy, and patience. Here are a few suggestions as you set your own pace toward a new normal.

Your grief is unique to you, just as your relationship with that person was uniquely yours. Consider doing something you once enjoyed together. Take someone along if that feels better.
Honor your person’s memory each day. It doesn’t need to be a grand gesture, keep it simple. Touch their picture, light a candle, or simply breathing in remembering their love and breathing out knowing they will always be a part of you.
Allow joy and laughter when it comes in. It can feel uncomfortable, especially at first, but it doesn’t mean you are forgetting. Joy and sadness can co-exist. It may be helpful to remember a joyful memory with your person.
For some people, especially right after death, grief is ever-present. However, if you can, take a break. If possible, allow yourself to engage in something that takes your mind somewhere else; a movie, book, game, or someone else’s story.

All these intentional moments of mourning (taking your grief from inside and expressing it) are opportunities to release your grief in small, manageable bits at a time. Don’t take it all at once, take it in minutes, then hours, days, and eventually weeks. It takes intention and courage to travel your grief journey, be kind to yourself.

If you are grieving a death and think a support group might be right for you, please contact us at 269.983.2707. We’re always here and available to listen.

Don't ignore your check engine light

It’s not too late

Apr 1, 2022

One of the most difficult things for mourners to overcome is the sense that grief must be temporary. When we are separated from a death, either in distance or in time, many of us think it is simply “too late” to mourn. We think it is too late to say goodbye, too late to wrestle with feelings of regret, and sometimes we even think it’s too late to confess our love.

But nothing could be further from the truth. It’s never too late to grieve. It’s never too late to mourn. Some people believe that there is a limited window of time in which it is proper to grieve, and after that amount of time passes, we should have “gotten over” the impact of death. The cultural pressure to downplay grief can be so strong that even people who grieve victims of atrocities can be criticized for not “getting over” the deaths involved in such events. “Wasn’t that a long time ago?” someone might suggest. They may also say things like “You need to just deal with it and move on!” or “I had no idea! Is that really still bothering you?”

The good news is that to such persons we can always respond: “There is no time stamp on grief.” There is nothing about the day, the seasons, the months, or the year that confirms when mourning should cease. Grief can affect people in places and times far removed from where the death occurred. Thus, it can never really come “too late.” It’s never too late to visit a family gravesite, plant flowers at a sacred shrine or build a memorial in remembrance. It’s never too late to bond with another survivor, to learn grandma’s favorite hobby or prepare grandpa’s favorite meal. It’s never too late to (finally) organize that photo album, go on that family vacation, make, and create those new life memories, or preserve precious artifacts from old ones. Remember, it is not our proximity to the death that ultimately matters. It’s the death’s significance in our lives that does.

There is nothing about the seasons, or the equinoxes, or the sun or the moon, that has any bearing on when the time is right for mourning. And if you are mourning the death of a loved one, no matter how much time has elapsed since they lived, then know that Lory’s Place is here for you. Lory’s Place offers ongoing groups that meet during the evening for adults and children. Please call 269.983.2707 for more information.

The New Year and grief

Mar 14, 2022

Grief can come when we least expect it. It is especially hard during the holidays. We often have expectations of ourselves as we move into a new year, but this year consider forgoing the norm. Instead focus on finding new ways to continue working through your grief. It can be a new hobby, nourishing your spirituality, finding quiet time, and putting your self-care as a priority. Remember, a new year does not mean you have left the memory of your loved one behind. Grief can be overwhelming but there are tools available to help you manage your grief.

Here are 5 tips for the New Year:

Focus on self-compassion and self-care instead of self-improvement.

If you are grieving in the new year, you may want to skip the typical New Year’s resolutions and instead focus on self-care for your grieving mind, body, and spirit.

Simple things like getting good sleep, eating nourishing food, and exercising a little bit each day will help your body and mind support you during loss. However, do these things with an attitude of self-care instead of self-improvement, which is often implied in our resolutions.

Don’t add to your suffering by trying to attain an unrealistic goal. Instead, treat yourself as you would treat a beloved friend in the same position.

Create your own mantra to replace “Happy New Year.”

If you are like most grieving people, the idea of being happy is a bridge too far from where you are right now, but since you are going to hear these words again and again, you may as well incorporate them into your self-care practice. Instead of feeling bad for not feeling happy, or angry that someone would assume you could feel happy, use this example reminder in the next paragraph to send yourself compassion.

Try this: Each time you see or hear “Happy New Year,” offer yourself words of kindness that resonate with you. For example, “May I treat myself with kindness this year,” or “May I have a Compassionate New Year,” or simply “This is hard, and I am doing my best.” This not only puts you back in the driver’s seat so you have a way of control over your grief journey, but it is also a great level of awareness that can remind you to take care of yourself.

Know that you are not leaving your loved one behind.

When you cross the threshold of a new year without your special person by your side, it can feel like you are leaving them behind. That isn’t the case. Yes, the annual change of the calendar is a marker that time is passing, but you will never forget your special person, no matter how many years go by.

Take some time out early this year to reflect on the ways you carry your special person with you. What habits, likes, dislikes, hobbies, or mannerisms do you share with them? What are your favorite memories of your time together? If they are a blood relative, in what ways do you look like them? They have left their mark on your heart, and that will never go away.

Prioritize your grief-work with your new calendar.

Instead of just scheduling things you have to do, use your new calendar to plan what you need to do to support yourself this year.

While none of us have a crystal ball, most people find holidays and anniversaries especially challenging. Record them on your calendar, and plan how you want to spend those special days.

And knowing what you are going to do on these special grief-days may help reduce your anxiety. Whether scheduling coffee over Zoom with a supportive friend on your loved one’s birthday or joining a wider circle of friends and family to reminisce on the anniversary of their death, be sure to connect with others unless you really prefer to spend time alone.

Steady your mind in the present with meditation.

The human brain is rarely fully present, and this is especially true when we are grieving. Part of us wants to fast forward and leave this awful time behind, but an even bigger part wants to turn around and sprint back to the time when our loved one was still alive.

The reality, of course, is that we can’t control the passing of time, but we can control what we do with our attention. In the meditation world, we call this bouncing around “monkey mind.ˮ Although it is just a side-effect of being human, ruminating rarely reduces our suffering.

Try this: with your eyes open or closed, turn your attention toward your breath. As you breathe in, silently say to yourself – In. As you breathe out, silently say to yourself – Out.

Climbing a mountain of grief

Mar 14, 2022

Climbing mountains is not a simple undertaking. It takes time, patience, strength and a great deal of tolerance for the possibility of error. The movements that result in the climb must be done with so much precision that only someone at once daring and calculating would be able to scale the mountain. Perhaps this is why mountaintop experiences are so rare in our society. It often takes a lifetime’s worth of training to have one, and most people’s lives are not characterized by the kind of danger faced by a typical mountain climber.

A loved one’s death presents survivors with challenges at least as great as learning to scale a mountain.

Embracing a new life after the death of our loved ones takes years of time and patience, and much like scaling a vertical mountain face, it is ridden with many dangers and potential missteps. As we climb upward and onward, trauma, sleeplessness, numbness, anxiety, communication problems, anger, etc.–all of these and more often coincide with grief. Such experiences can discourage us from continuing to climb up our mountain of grief. The good news is that these feelings are not the only one’s people in grief experience. Mourners almost always have the option to remember the happiness, pride and love associated with our loved one’s life, not only the pain of their death.

To those who are experiencing grief in the aftermath of a person’s death, we at Lory’s Place implore you to do something very simple: “Keep climbing.” If you are not sure what path to take, then “keep climbing.” And even if you are frightened, weak and worn… “keep climbing!” Aim for the mountaintop. Mountaintop experiences are those moments when we can pause as mourners and look at how far we’ve come before deciding to keep on climbing. For some of us, the mountaintop occurs quickly, within a few months. For others, the climb itself will last a lifetime. But regardless, each mourner in their own way will need to climb, step by step, crevice by crevice, across many dangers, small and large, on their new life journey. This is no less true for grief and mourning than it is for climbing Mount Everest.

Having resolve in the midst of brokenness

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